A Letter To Toby
by Nessakitty821
Summary: I've been thinking that we shouldn't be friends anymore. I know this is coming out of left field and as much as I value our friendship, for purely selfish reasons, I think it needs to be ended


I just found this story, which I wrote it in May 2005. I've made no changes to it.

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><p>Title: A Letter to Toby<p>

Pairing: CJ/Toby

Spoilers: Everything through Season 6 is fair game

Rating: Child

Disclaimer: I don't own them

Notes: The phrase "We can't be friends," repeated herein, is the title from a song performed by Deborah Cox featuring R.L. from Next. The bill referenced herein is real although the Sponsor's name is not.

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><p>Toby,<p>

So I've been thinking, and we both know how dangerous that can be. I've been thinking that we shouldn't be friends anymore. I know this is coming out of left field and as much as I value our friendship, for purely selfish reasons, I think it needs to be ended.

It seems fitting that this friendship ends for selfish reasons because that is how it started after all. You don't remember it that way do you? We met on that senatorial campaign in New York many years ago. We were friendly while working together but we definitely were not friends. With two weeks left until Election Day, the candidate was scheduled to attend a high profile black tie event. Everyone on staff was told to bring dates and I wanted to go with Paul Delgado. I sort of had a crush on him. Paul, on the other hand, had asked Karen Miller to go with him. Actually, both you and Steve Steinberg had asked Karen as well. Why guys don't talk to each other about who they are going to ask I don't know, but if you had, it would have spared me from the endless conservations with Karen as to who should take her. When Karen said yes to Paul, I was disappointed because I thought I was left dateless, as always. Karen, however, with her bright ideas, suggested that I should go with you or Steve. I thought Steve was arrogant and therefore didn't want anything to do with him, so I had Karen talk to you about being my date. You said you would go with me if I asked but that you would not ask me yourself. I was forced to either go to the event alone or ask you. When I finally got enough nerve to ask you, you seemed shocked but said yes.

The day of the dinner, we all left the office early to get ready. You called me that afternoon to finalize the plans and we ended up talking on the phone for two hours. We talked about the campaign, politics, and life. Our telephone conversation helped us to get to know each other and I couldn't help but be at ease about going to the fundraiser. We had a great time at the black tie and we even went to a diner afterward where I discovered your love for pie. The next day we were at a bbq for the candidate and everything seemed fine. Two days later I find out from Karen that you and Ann Stark started dating over the weekend. I didn't understand this at all because you never even spoke to Ann at the fundraiser. I was hurt because I thought we had become friends and I couldn't believe why you wouldn't tell me yourself. I was hurt because sometime at the dinner, I had developed feelings for you. After I found out about you and Ann, we remained friendly but we definitely were not friends. I guess it made sense; I did selfishly use you so I wouldn't have to go stag to the event.

After we lost the election in November, I went back to working for the PR firm. I was there for about another year before I decided to move back to California. My firm was throwing me a going away party and I had invited Karen since we had remained friends after that New York campaign. She lured you into coming to the party with the promise of an open bar. I was surprised to see you there since we had not spoken since the campaign ended. I got pretty drunk and at the end of the night I had a long talk with you. I don't remember most of what I said but I did tell you how disappointed I was that after you and Ann had gotten together, our conversations did not get past "How's it going?" You like to pretend you don't remember that conversation but I know you do. I did convince you that we should try to become friends again. You agreed, even if, at the time, it was just to appease me in my drunken state. A few weeks after I moved out to California, I got an email from you asking about my new place and new job. We exchanged emails every couple of weeks and developed an online friendship. It wasn't until the following year, when we were both campaigning for different candidates in Chicago, that we became real friends. We would get together for meals weekly and call each other to vent the frustrations of our respective campaigns. After both our candidates lost, we went to different coasts but remained friends who exchanged emails and telephone calls. It was nice because we were able to talk to each other about everything and we made each other feel less lonely.

We initially became friends because I selfishly needed a date to that New York fundraiser. We rekindled that friendship years later because I was lonely in Chicago and you kept me company. I maintained this relationship even after Chicago because I was lonely in my Hollywood PR job. After you dragged me out to the Bartlet for America campaign, it was nice having you as a friend because the entire world wants to be your friend when you work for the President. After Sam, Donna, Leo and Josh all left the West Wing, I needed your friendship even more because you were the only one I had left. If I lost you, I would have no one. Sure I was a popular person but I had no friends left. Despite this, I realize now, we can't be friends. As much as it pains me to tell you this and to know that after I let you go, there is no one else I can count on, our friendship is doing more damage to me than I can handle. So for my sanity, for my health, and for many other selfish reasons, we can't be friends. We can't be friends because at some point I think I fell in love with you. I'm not entirely sure what I feel for you is love but it has to be. I know I have never cared for anyone the way I currently care for you. I know I don't see my brothers ever; yet, I don't miss them nearly as much as I miss you when you are out of the office for a few days. I know that when I go to bed each night, I fall asleep thinking of what it would be like if we were together. I know that when I wake up each morning, I think of you first. I know that when I get dressed for work, I dress to impress you, even though you never tell me that I look good. I know that it hurts me to love you. If we weren't friends, I wouldn't be in love with you because I would be in love with an imaginary you. If we weren't friends, I would be in love with the man I thought you were, as opposed to the man you are actually. If we weren't friends, I could more easily convince myself that what I feel for you is just a schoolgirl crush and not real love. We can't be friends because I once told you I thought I had feelings for you, and you told be that you didn't see me as anything more than a friend. We can't be friends because you are selfish to think that I don't sacrifice a little of myself every time I convince myself that the feelings I have for you are only of friendship. We can't be friends because I'm in love with you.

Claudia Jean

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><p>After signing her name, CJ looks up to find Toby standing in front of her desk.<p>

"What are you doing there CJ, writing your letter of resignation?" he asked with a smile.

"Something like that, what did you need?"

"The majority leader wants to deal on H.R. 550."

"550?"

"CJ, where are you tonight? Representative Colt's voting reform bill.

"Huh?"

"Requiring a voter-verified permanent paper record. Seriously CJ, it's as if I'm not even standing here in front of you."

"I see you Toby, I hear you," CJ responded as she folded the letter she had just finished writing.


End file.
